01
Sep
11

Please Don’t Feed the Bears

I live with bears, three of them to be exact. When they were little, they were cute as bears will be. That’s why we brought them into the house. In our defense, the dogs were already living in the yard. Bears are messy. Bears are noisy and when they get big, bears eat A LOT! (me to bank manager, “Yes, I need a second mortgage to buy food. Have you met my bears?)

I got my first clue that they were bears when they became old enough to open cereal. Open is a loose term. Try to open a can of tuna with an axe… now you have the picture. Messy bears=lots of stale cereal. Then they learned to cook for themselves. Really messy bears. I still do not know how the spaghetti sauce ended up on the ceiling. Of the living room. And the bathroom. No, Mr. Paint Store Manager, there will be NO flat paint in my house. Do you know where I can buy stainless steel wallpaper?

When bears get to a certain age, they become friends with other bears. Bear friends eat a lot, too. And they travel in packs. Sometimes you will get lucky and your bear will meet a girl bear and he will eat at her house. For a while. Unless you get adoption papers from her parents, it will not last forever. Oh, just so you know, girl bears can eat a lot, too. (They eat their young, right?)

Bears like to sleep late, wake up grumbling and head for the kitchen. Along the way they are prone to emitting various noises and foul odors. We finally have them trained to wear pants when they take this journey. This has made lunch much more pleasant. Bears wipe gross things on the wall and lick towels and do all sorts of other disgusting things… I hope you’re not eating as you read this. They are not completely untrainable, but it takes a lot of work and by the time they get good, they move out. (So I’ve been told, I’ve not actually witnessed this event yet, but hope springs eternal.) Bears will work for money, but surprisingly not for food. In their world, there is a grocery fairy who shows up every two weeks and fills up the pantry, fridge and freezer. Now I make them carry in the groceries (along with bear friends and girl bears).  Now they think the grocery fairy drives a minivan. Sigh.

I know the day will come when my bears move to caves of their own. (I already have the cake ordered) and the house will be quiet, we will shop once a month for food and there will be no odd stains on the walls and ceilings of my home. The only scratching of body parts and odd noises will come from me (sorry mama bear) and I will have an office. Yes, I will have to take out the trash every week, but I can live with that.  And I will wait. For my bears to have little bears of their own.  And when that day comes, I will smile.  🙂 <—- like this.

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